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Jokes & Funny Stories
Worms
A Baptist minister
decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were
placed into four separate jars. The first worm was
put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put
into a jar of cigarette smoke, the third worm was
put into a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm
was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the
conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the
following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third
worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good
clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the
congregation, "What can you learn from this
demonstration?" A little old woman in the back
quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you
drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!"
Don't you just love
little old ladies?
Who is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then
one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which
virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
King James Virgin?"
Mailing Breakables
There was a very gracious lady who was
mailing an old family Bible to Her brother in another
part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments." answered the lady.
Minister gets a
parking ticket.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking
zone in a large city because he was short of time and
couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note
under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he
returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I
don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not
into temptation."
Good News, Bad News
There is the story of a pastor who got up
one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have
good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough
money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Amish Bumper Sticker
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family
caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the
carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed
sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and
grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
Long
Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car
filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The
attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead
of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so
sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone
waits until the last minute to get ready for a
long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you
mean. It's the same in my business."
Comforter
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very
young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter
answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the
day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him
what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He
said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Star Spangled Banner
The minister was preoccupied with
thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to
come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was
annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a
copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll
have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances." During the service, the
minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much
as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who
can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that
moment, the substitute organist played "The Star
Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute
became the regular organist!
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus
Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is
back in action, Wednesday at
8PM in the recreation hall. Come
out and watch us kill Christ the
King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage
sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring
your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting
scheduled for today has been
cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who
are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off -
let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I
will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
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For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be
tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his
farewell message after which the
choir will sing: "Break Forth
Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter
were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening, in the church
hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be "What
Is Hell?" Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are
currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some
older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used
to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in
the envelope, along with the
deceased person you want
remembered.
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The church will host an evening
of fine dining, super
entertainment, and gracious
hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at
5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have
cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at
7 PM, there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at
10 AM. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall,
after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it
if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at
7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be
presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at
7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large
double door at the side
entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled
the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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